day eight in pictures.

I don't remember ever being 'upended', but I had the last laugh...

me

stuff and things.

Not much to talk about. I talked to a liberal arts advisor today, and he was not helpful at all. He pretty much drank a bunch of water and then spit in in my face and said "that's water I spit on your face, kid! Get a major!" That's pretty much what he did.

There may be a musical project in the works, a collaboration involving music and narrative. Check back here for updates on that.

Here is a link to my favorite ninja website.

And here is a quote from the past: "Vultures are scavengers, feeding off the remains of dead animals. Something fun to do is to put peanut butter in their mouths. Ha ha, stupid birds."

rain.

It's been raining a lot. All this water from the sky and stuff. Here is a picture of rain.

Rain.

the second coming.

Boy, that Guitar Wolf link sure got a lot of comments! Boy doggie!

Anyhoo, I posted this link a while back, but none of you seemed disturbed enough to convince me that you actually clicked and watched. So I'm posting it again, just because this is a monumental piece of work.

DavidHasselhoff.com

"Last scene I cut the UFO by guitar-sword."

This page has a great interview with Seiji from Guitar Wolf. Perhaps the most insightful and entertaining rock interview I've ever read.

things that make me laugh for days.

Today in Japanese we were learning the words for different clothing, and verbs for "wear" and "take off" and such. The teacher asked a kid what he will wear for Halloween, and he replied in Japanese "I will wear scary pants."

The other day I passed a large, quarterback-built young man with a full middle-eastern beard. He was singing to himself "Back in the Saddle Again".

Refurnishing

I'm changing the color motif of my eblo, but I've run into a bit of trouble with the color of the links (that blue just does NOT work). The trouble is that I can't find the damn color code of the links in my html template. If I can't find the code, I can't change it.

If anyone thinks they know anything about this, just click on the big glaring blue "comments" word below and enlighten me.

Burn!!

So Sofia Coppola also thinks Cameron Diaz sucks...

"Sources tell Page Six that Coppola based the "annoying, cloying, ditzy-blonde actress" played by Anna Faris in "Lost in Translation" on the "Charlie's Angels" star. "Sofia thought Cameron was all that -- and more," said the source."

Rad.

I think one just humped my leg

"Fighting the Freshman Fifteen" - title of the book I saw being read by a thin, bleached-blond, Abercrombie-wearing girl

There are too many new students this year. The commons are always super full. The sidewalks are hazardous. Kids on bikes are battling for their spot in the bike lane. The library is always packed and the computers are always being used, so I don't get as much precious computer time to write for you people. I don't remember there being so many kids last year. I guess OSU just opened the floodgates for all these little biting, knawing freshman and said bring your tired, your poor, your backwards hats and low-cut jeans. "They're crawling out of the sewers like rats, climbing up the flagpole, and eating away at our stars and stripes!!"

Until I get my phone working I have to use the internet at the library, and so far that has not been easy. Students hover about like vultures. The kid next to me just got pecked at - "Are you done??" -"No, I just got here." I see a kid over there getting his ear bit off. Shoo, you harpies! Let me access my email in peace!!

The phone thing is getting on my nervies. Qwest asks me for an advance payment of $26, tells me to go to some place in town, pay the people and then fax them the reciept, there's a bunch of numbers I gotta know, so I go to the place, the lady's an asshole, she tells me I need more numbers, I'm still confused... So anyway today I'm going to call Qwest and tell them "Yeah, I'm seein who my friends are, mo fo, but I ain't goin to no Check for Cash crap to pay you." I don't know if you understood any of that, but just know that I'm
frustrated.

I think I see an impatient student setting up a sniper rifle, so I guess I should leave this computer. Oh but oh! I'm adding some links to my boyz' pages. Check those out if you haven't. (down at the bottom of this here page)

Fire Up the Shoesaw

I'm back to the old bullocks. School started again today, and I am in the process of finding out what books I will need to buy for outrageous prices. If knowledge costs so much, how come that crazy homeless guy always seems so knowledgable?

It was a little depressing to return from Japan. It hit me when we stopped over in Canada. Suddenly the people were fat, ugly and loud. The floors weren't as clean. The airport employees were no longer young, smiling and friendly. Everything was less colorful. Welcome back to the west. Of course, it is good to be back where everything is more affordable (and I can use paper money again), but leaving Japan is kind of like leaving Disneyland. You have to get used to the real world again.

But anyhoo, I am enjoying my new apartment. Everytime I walk in the door I think to myself "but...there's so much space!! How can I be living here?" I will have to find some way to fill the place. Also, the mythical rock band The Taste has come together, just like the scripture prophesized, and noise shall ensue from hence forth (?). And who knew I could play the drums worth a damn? I didn't!

My stomach is talking to me. It says "blurgurlcguglg urglgceeeugh", which I think means "go home and eat your leftover bento food." So that's what I will do now.

Okaeri Goblins

Natsuki is dying her hair with her friend Masae, a little lightning bolt who loves English even though she doesn't speak it. We are back in Ehime today after our voyage to the ends of Japan. After Tokyo we spent 4 days in Hokkaido, the big island at the top of the country. The weather there is a lot like Oregon, and the scenery also. It's my understanding that Hokkaido was visited by many western explorers and settlers back in the 1800s, so many of the towns are a mixture of Japanese and European architecture.

I've run out of film. I have 2 1/2 tapes worth of Japan. Luckily I was able to stretch the last one out until our last night in Sapporo before coming back to Ehime (which I already have footage of), but I am contemplating buying another tape just for filming this and that. Of course, with the money to buy a tape I could buy a bowl of tasty ramen, or a plate of tasty curry or gyoza. Oh, the money! Here is a warning to any Americans who wish to visit Japan: Japanese people are all rich. The other day I was looking at a menu in a little sushi place we stopped into for lunch. For the equivalent of $10, one could order a little ball of rice wrapped in seaweed with a shrimp on top. I tried explaining to Natsuki that in America something like that would never sell, because we have words like 'budgeting' and 'minimum wage'. But she said it is not uncommon for Japanese people to spend 1000 yen on a single bite of sushi, because 'it tastes good'.

Then there are the young people, with their $60 T-shirts, $95 Converse, and $100 hair, but I won't go into that now (there's also the $11-$13 ramen, but I never eat that). Another thing about the money is the coins. If there are 2 things about Japan that I can say I never got used to, they are 1) the crazy driving, and 2) the damn coins. Just buying a can of Boss coffee can be a pain in the ass when you have to dig around in your wallet for a 50 yen coin, which is about the same size as a 5 yen coin, and then you don't have either so you have to break a 1000 yen bill and get another handfull of coins.

Aside from the coins, it's hard to complain about Japan. Everything is so clean, convenient and futuristic. Some places in Tokyo and Sapporo have doors with little buttons where the door knob would normally be; you press the botton and the door slides open, complete with a little Star Trek noise. It was things like that, and the completely motion activated bathrooms (you walk in the stall and the seat lifts up! Crazy!) that I just couldn't get enough of. Also, everything has its own song in Japan. The subways play a little song when the train is coming, the elevator plays a little song with you reach your floor, and the walk sign plays a song when it's time to cross the street (I had to videotape that one). Even when we were walking down the street in Otaru, Hokkaido, there was music coming from the street lamps. I asked my friend what song it was, and she said "It is kind of Hokkaido theme song." Great!

I have been in a couple million puricuras, those little photos that you can write on and add graphics to. It's kind of interesting the first couple times, but I don't see how Japanese girls can do it every two days. I ran out of crazy poses, so I tried some other things like draping myself in the backdrops or making the same face for every picture.

Natsuki wants to use the computer now, so I'll go. I will see some of you in about 8 days, when I return to America. Until then you can go to Adi's site, who accompanied us to Hokkaido and took some great photos. See his pictures of Japan here, or see some quick pictures of our gang in Hokkaido here. Later, y'all.

Tokyo Vogue

I haven't had access to a computer in about 2 weeks, and I don't really have time to write anything right now, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive, I am in Tokyo, and I am having fun. I will write more when I have more time and another computer. Later--------

Pt. 3: Ninja High School

Here I am again. I added a little to the last post, as I was a bit rushed earlier. Also, I forgot to mention something very important in my last postings: IT'S HOT HERE. Everyone tries to stay indoors because the air is so humid, heavy and hot. The outside is one big sauna, and it doesn't cool off at night, either.

Anyhoo, I've decided that want to open a ramen place in Oregon. I told Natsuki that if there was one Japanese ramen restaurant in Corvallis I would eat there every day. Y'all have no idea! Ya don't! The ramen here is so good! Byegyeyjahjagaaa!

Yesterday we picked up Chiaki (Natsuki's sister) from the airport. She flew in from Tokyo, where she is going to college. She is very nice; while Natsuki was at the byooin (hospital) to have a rash looked at, Chiaki took me for a little walk around the town. We went to the high school which she and Natsuki had attended and bumped into Saiyuri, Natsuki's friend whom I met a few days ago. I saw all the boys and girls in their uniforms, and they all looked a little surprised at seeing me, but in spite of feeling a bit out of place I found it all very interesting. It was cool to see a real Japanese high school after seeing them animated and drawn in countless cartoons and comics.

Also, a few days ago I visited a super modern Bhuddist temple, and got some great shots of it. I best go now; something crazy is on TV.

Pt. 2: Square Cars

I greet you again from the land of square cars. I say so because almost everyone in Japan has a compact, cubic automobile. I have seen many Mini Coopers (none of them new models), and a couple strange little 3-wheel scooter cars.

Yesterday I visited the ocean with Natsuki, her friend Shinji, her father and some of his friends. It was fun, aside from all the water-crashing. I rode an inflated banana boat, which involved inevitable crashing, but it was still fun. Then there was the sea-doo crash. I don't know, but something about hitting the water face first at 70mph and struggling to breath afterwards put me off water crashing for the rest of the day. But the water was nice; not too cold.

Today I hung out with Natsuki and Chiaki (her friend, not sister of the same name). We went to a pretty deserted shrine and a mall, which were both very interesting. We went to a store in the mall which sold a bunch of crazy Japanese stuff, kind of like a mixture of Spencer Gifts (minus the prevalent bad taste), Hot Topic, and a hip bookstore. Then we stopped by those photo booths that Japanese girls base their lives around and took some silly pictures.

Well, it's bed time now. I'll post later.

Japan Land log, Pt. 1

Hey there, everybody. I bet you'll never guess where I am. ...No. Wait. Duh.

Yep, I made it to Japan. It's about 9:45am now. I just had some coffee and some chocolate Charlie Brown cereal, and I just thought I should let everyone know I am alive and well. I don't think I have the time to write out a fully composed post, as I still need to get ready to go out and gawk, so I will try to make this brief yet telling. I will say this, though: so far Japan is just as mad-crazy and awesome as I expected. Here's a little run down of the trip so far----

-Vancouver airport made me feel like I was in Japan already. Nearly everybody there, the travellers, the employees, was Japanese. I ate a sandwich and a muffin. I did see one Canadian pilot riding a segway around, and it was pretty damn funny.

-The 10-hour flight was very disorienting. I kept falling asleep and waking up not knowing where I was. Time didn't seem to exist. I tried to watch Agent Cody Banks, but it sucked. I tried to watch Gattaca (because I wanted to see it), but I fell asleep. Then I woke up and thought "where the hell am I?"

-Kansai airport was very...empty. For some reason there wasn't many people when we arrived. Oh yeah; The Beastie Boys from the Intergalactic video guided our plane upon landing.

-Japan is beautiful.

-When Natsuki and I were waiting for her parents to pick us up from a bus station, the empty bottle of a Japanese drink fell off my suitcase and broke on the sidewalk. As I was trying to clean it up, her family found and greeted us. They are very nice, hospitable people, but their first impression of me was a tired American kid holding a broken bottle. *sigh*

-Natsuki's hometown is awesome. It's about the size of Corvallis, but it's JAPANESE, which makes it ten times more interesting. I ate at a little ramen place, and it was grrrrreat. All the food here is incredible.

-Japanese people are reckless drivers. I'll explain later.

-Yesterday Natsuki and I visited the family home of her friend Kaori Manabe, who is a national TV star and model. Kaori lives someplace else of course, but her mother and sister were super-nice, and they thought I was great. I also ate some cereal while I was there. That's right; I ate cereal in a Japanese supermodel's mom's house. Rock.

I know there's more, but I should go get ready now. Just know that I am geting lots of great footage. I will write later. Mata nee!

Blind Like a Willie Nelson Monster Truck

I haven't been too good at posting lately, because I am in Lebanon. I don't get as much internet time here at home. So here's what's been going on:

Takuya and I have found a place to live for the coming Fall. It's a DAMN nice apartment, pretty close to campus. Once I actually start living there I will give out the address so people can drop by.

I leave for my adventure in Japan Land next Monday. I guess I'm ready; I figure there is nothing I can really do to prepare myself for this excursion, because I just know that my mind is going to be blown the second I get off the plane ("I'm in Japan? ...How the hell did I get here??!"). So for now I'm just enjoying summer at home. Last Wednesday I woke up and realized I had no plans for that day. Such a feeling I have not felt for ages. It was awesome.

This evening, Andy and I are going to attempt to hook up my Playstation to my computer and make another Playgrounds CD, because it would be really keen to explore a foreign country listening to music that I've made.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to. Not much else to say right now.

Hansel? Hansel?

Bugs Bunny was sued?

Yes. But after reading this, it just brings a little truth to his comment...

Don't Ask, Just Watch

-----> David Hasselhoff.com <-----

Be amazed. Be afraid. Be confused.

Bonus post!

Hey, I just realized that my archives (right down there on the left) are 100% complete. You can go back to the very first posts I did, complete with the pre-Mondrian page style. Maybe you already knew all this, but I just found out. So mmmmnnnnyyyeeeeeaah.

By the way, I'm thinking of refurnishing the eblo. If any of you have any color-scheme suggestions, go ahead and comment.

Photographs!

Here are some people pictures from Adi's website. Just click on my wry titles of each to see 'em.

Cover photo of my autobiography

Yakuza meeting (plotting the hit)

Yakuza meeting (suspicious peas)

The look of terror

Fischerspooner

El Gato

More News

I have moved out of my apartment. That's news.

Also, I saw the movie "Finding Nemo". Easily the best one I've seen recently. You have to check it out. You just have to.

Also, Bob Hope is dead. Can you believe it? I thought he was just gonna go on forever. So who will take his place as the army's official smart-ass? That young buck Don Rickles?

Also, Tristan is on his way to Pantastic Land. Or Indiana, whatever you call it. I told him he should start up his own "eblo" just like mine, as should everyone reading this, because it's so damned easy. It's quicker and easier than...getting a shot!

I don't have much to report at this time. I'm going to go figure out how to play my ukulele.

News

I've been in California for a couple days. I'm back now. That's the news for today.

Music Showcase with John Louie

Sunday I saw Clem Snide, the Long Winters, and the Carolines at the Wow Hall. Here's the rundown:

The Carolines- sucked
The Long Winters- better, but kind of sucked
Clem Snide- good, but I'd never buy their albums

There was, of course, a superfan up in front rocking out to Clem Snide. Normally I don't mind it when a guy rocks out to a band, but it was Clem Snide. They don't rock out. They reflect, they express, they emote, they play well crafted country-rock. They don't really kick out the jams. But hell, this guy did, and even ended up onstage singing a duet with the lead guy. So good for him.

I suppose superfans always feel that they have the right to slam-dance at their favorite band's shows. I wouldn't be surprised if I went to a Yanni concert and saw a long-haired guy in flannel up against the stage bangin' his head.

"The other is busy holding loo roll next to ear to catch drips."

The Secret Monkey Experience. I like reading this guys blog just because he uses a lot of British slang.

"Well find ya a woman...And gun her down good!"

Oh, man. Vegas just continues to beef up its reputation as the in-all-ways-wrong-entertainment capital of the world.

"Bambi Hunts". It was probably some guy's lifelong dream: start up a game in which rich guys pay $10,000 to chase nude women around the countryside with a paint-ball gun. Normally, common sense would have led him to think "Nah, there wouldn't be any girls that stupid or guys that depraved to go through with it." But wait! Sir, you're in Las Vegas U.S.A., and those are the kinds of people that keep the city alive! So badda bing; before long the guy's dream is a perverse, ludicrous reality.

And of course people are gonna be pissed off about it. If he had started any other business that got him in hot water, he could've said "at least I'm not having men pay to hunt down naked women" and landed on his feet. But this little entrepreneurial venture is so deep in the gutter that there's little anyone can say to defend it, save for a phrase like �These are just fun guys who thought they had done everything, ridden everything and hunted everything." Well shit! If they're just a bunch of fun lovin' good ol' boys, let loose the women!

This is the kind of thing that keeps feminists alive. You can just picture one sitting around bored until she turns on the news and sees something like this. Then she yells "We got one!" and hits a buzzer, and all the other feminists in the house perk up and slide down firehouse poles to hop on the Anti-Oppression Mobile. "Let's roll, girls!"

It says in this article that one of the game's "prey" admitted that she cried after being hit in the posterior by one of the paint-loaded pellets. I'm sorry, but I just can't feel sorry for this girl. I suppose when she signed up for the job she thought "running around naked eluding gun-wielding men" actually meant serving drinks in a posh bar or standing on a pedestal while rich young bachelors say "I respect you as a woman." It would be easy to end this objectifying, evil business if the guys behind it actually kidnapped these women and forced them to be the prey, but these women do it voluntarily. I think if a young woman sees playing the part of a two legged, hairless deer as a good job opportunity then she probably deserves to be gunned down with paintballs.

But even if this Bambi Hunting thing does kick the bucket (ha...as if it won't), chances are it won't be down for long; the Fox network is always looking for another degrading reality show concept...

Things I've Seen

I've seen some things recently. I will tell you about them.

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of nacho whatever. I liked it. Even though Jerry Bruckheimer was the producer it doesn't suck, and it doesn't feature any slow-motion American flag shots that have come to be his trademark. Pirates are cool, dammit! And the movie is just built around that fact. By the end of the film, all the characters love pirates. And why not? I mean, they steal, murder, smell bad, rape...they're just all-around lovable. And Johnny Depp is pretty entertaining, taking his Hunter S. Thompson persona out of the closet and dressing it in pirate clothes.

I also saw 28 Days Later: The Pirated Laptop Version on Adi's laptop. It was alright. That's pretty much all I can say. There's not really anything wrong with the movie, but there's nothing outstanding about it, either. I just feel like there could have been more. I think they should make another movie focusing on someone who doesn't wake up quite so late in the action. They could call it 18 Days Later. Then maybe the antagonists would actually be zombies instead of a bunch of horny soldiers.

Then there is the Electric 6 video Gay Bar. It's the kind of video that is so senseless and stupid you wonder if it's okay to laugh. Well, I laughed. I couldn't help but compare it to all those Wierd Al videos that try sooo hard to be funny but just end up mundane and dumb. Electric 6 seem to be specialists in making videos that don't try at all. It's like watching the first idea one of them had after finishing a bottle of vodka.

Porcupine Pie.

poop

"One time I secretly placed a fake "poop" on their bed. When I heard the screams I knew they had found it. After showing them it was fake, they started laughing so hard. The next day they sheepishly wanted to know where I had gotten it so they could get some poop of their own. That was not the last of the poop, though. On their last day, after they had gotten on the bus, the teacher told us of her most memorable moment in class, when Ayami and Megumi were recounting the story in their best English in front of the class. However, they could not come up with an English word for poop that anyone understood. Finally, Ayami said "fake sh__" and everybody understood! The whole class erupted in laughter. "

No Title

Momus visits that new retro-hip McDonalds I talked about a while back. The picture of him with Ronald McDonald and the retarded kid is priceless.

There are a bunch of little kids running around today. It seems during the summer there are always little kids running around OSU, but today there are more than usual. I don' t know what they want. In front of one building they seem to be erecting wooden cows. Maybe it's some kind of pagan thing.

My summer term ends tomorrow. Japanese Culture ended last week, but Theater went on for another. I will be reading/reciting the monologue at the end of "The Glass Menagerie" as my part of a group theater project. I wish I could do it with a sword; I feel like theater monologues can only be done right if you have a sword to wave around. Maybe I will write my own play, and have the characters pull swords out of nowhere whenever they go into a monologue. Or hell, just give them swords to hold for every second of the play, even if there is no fighting and it takes place in modern day. I could call it "The Sword Menagerie", or just plain "We Have Swords". And it would have to be a musical, but instead of singing, the characters would play harmonicas. Hm... That might be hard to do if they are holding swords. Well, anyway, if you have any ideas on how to make "We Have Swords" the best play in history, feel free to comment.

VOIP!

This is Adi's photo site. Adi is my Indonesian associate, and he takes damn-good pictures. I can't see why he's majoring in computer-industrial-engineering-booglarizing-physics...or whatever it is. He could be the next [insert name of famous photgrapher besides Ansel Adams here].

I figure I should give my thoughts on a growing phenomenon, just so y'all know that I'm hip to what's...hip:
Homestarrunner.com is worth checking out, if only for the Teen Girl Squad comics/cartoons. I'm not saying it's the best thing since the ass-spike, but I have gotten some good laughs out of it.

The Plum Frog

Since everyone is using the term "blog" as a shortening of "weblog" nowadays, I am going to be different and call this page my "eblo" from now on. Doesn't it sound more ethnic?

So last night I had this dream. I can't remember all of it, but the first part dealt with me finding a little tiny pond creature and taking it home as a pet. Chad told me it would die soon, but we were both surprized at how long it ended up living. What started out as a little planaria-type thing grew into more of a frog type thing, with amazing tree climbing abilities. I had him on an exclusive plum diet. He would climb trees and eat plums and I would stand below and say "that's a good frog-pond-thing." Then I ended up being on the news for having this creature that climbed trees and ate plums; I guess it was considered extraordinary in the dream world.

The second half of the dream involved me and some other students taking some sort of tour around a surreal college campus. We all had boxes of Triscuits, and this other guy kept looking at my box in a suspicious manner. I never found out what his problem was.

Recently I've been browsing other people's blogs. Other people are so interesting.

From Justin to Psychic Roaches

I was just reading some other guy's blog and he posted this little something he read somewhere:

"There's a story that when the cockroach sees another insect trying to attack it, it becomes so mortified with fright that the image of that insect freezes in its mind. Due to the intense ideation of the form of its enemy, the enemy actually sees the cockroach as one of its own kind. In other words, the vibration emanating from the cockroach's mind influences its enemy's mind into thinking that it is a member of its own species. Thus the cockroach is saved from death, since the insect will not attack one of its own kind. "

All I have to say about that is... Crazy.

So anyway, what's up with that From Justin to Kelly movie? I got so wrapped up in Charlie's Angels 2 sucking that I almost let it this other movie slip by without complaining about it. Just for the record, I don't know if I would say From J to K is quite as bad as Charlie's Angels. Whereas CA tries to act like it is an action movie rather than just a bunch of crap onscreen, I'm pretty sure the former is quite aware that it is just a bunch of crap onscreen. What else would it be?

Okay, this time I will try something different. I will look at it from an admiring perspective, as if i actually saw the movie and liked it. *Ahem*

From Justin to Kelly is the best movie I've seen all year. If there's one thing I want to see in a movie, it's an American Idol winner and a loser flaunting money and dancing around and singing. I just love the movie. And i love the singing. There's this one song that is so great, I almost cried and slapped the person sitting next to me. Justin is so cute. His hair is all frizzy and stupid and great. Kelly is a good singer; I am so glad that they let her star in her own movie. She is the greatest goddamn actress since Ingrid Borgnine, or whatever her name is. She could also be president. They should let her be president. And they should make her into a robot so that she doesn't die. And then they should make the robot have sex with Justin and repopulate the earth with perfect singing frizzy-haired people. This movie is so good, it is better than my dog.

...Maybe that wasn't what a real fan would say, but it would have to be pretty close, right? I mean, this movie isn't just stupid. It really makes me wonder; could no one involved in its production think of a better way to spend a couple million dollars? I mean, this Kelly girl became an American Idol a whole year ago, so of course she is not still regarded as one. And why the hell is that Justin guy even in it? I think the only redeeming factor that would have made this movie worth seeing is if Kelly continually addressed Justin as "the loser".

Ah! I can't do it anymore. This movie is too easy to criticize. I'm going to go find something worth writing about.

Real Ultimate Power

I have two links for you today. First, there's this guys site, who uses the same template as I do, but that's not what makes him special. What is significant about this site is that the Cloy Harlequin is referenced. I don't know this guy, and I had never been to his page, but he used opinions expressed on my site to back up his point. Isn't that rad?? That's what rocks your socks about having your own webpage. So check it out; you can use that "find" doohickey to locate where he namedrops the Cloy Harlequin.

Second, here is the Official Ninja Webpage. It's just as cool as it sounds, and cooler, so go and read and laugh and make funny internet delicious thing!

A Naked Woman and a Flying Dog

Hey, wanna see a naked woman and a flying dog? You would probably like to see a naked woman and a flying dog. Who wouldn't want to see a naked woman and a flying dog? I don't know!

So now, I give you, a naked woman and a flying dog.

Never Approach a Squirrel on Drugs

I was surfing the internet recently, looking for the taboo and the bizarre, and I couldn't help but take note of what a blessing the World Wide Web is. Businesses can flourish online, blogs and personal websites can inform friends and relatives of one's wherabouts, and small organizations can get their word out into the world and gain notariety that would otherwise be unattainable. Case in point: the S.A.P.P. (Squirrel Attack Prevention Program). These boys have started up this site to warn people of the growing threat posed by squirrels. One of the creators even takes the time to assure us "I am the opposite of cool", so we know that they are not doing it for any kind of personal glory; this is a labor of brotherly concern. And I, for one, appreciate the warning. Thank you, brave sirs Matthew and Derrik. (Be sure to check out the anti-squirrel gear.)

Cameron Diaz is Stupid

Today I actually have something to write about. I don�t have it all organized and I will probably just end up ranting, but I feel like this has to be said.

I know this can only be my opinion, but I am presenting it here as fact: Charlie�s Angels 2 sucks. It really sucks. I have not seen it, nor do I plan on seeing it, and if you have seen the previews or know anything about it I shouldn�t have to tell you why. Just the fact that it IS sucks. I know that a whole mess of movies come out every year just like this; big budget, juvenile �fun� movies that are formulaically produced in Hollywood without a brain cell of creativity or respect for the viewer, and usually I don�t mind. I don�t see them, and I don�t have to think about them. But something about Charlie�s Angels 2 just gets to me, personally, as if Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu have stolen my bike or kicked my cat in the face. I think the reason I am so offended is that it is a sequel. The first CA was bad enough; I made it out of that campaign having only viewed the last half-hour of it, and that was all I needed to see. My roommate Kenta was watching it one night when I returned to the dorm room. His words stand out in my memory like a critic�s quote:

me: What�s this?
Kenta: Charlie�s Angels. Have you seen it?
me: No.
Kenta: It�s not good.

Take a look at the title of this post. It may seem childish or ignorant, but I�m just being blunt in presenting my opinion. I don�t have to sugarcoat it because it�s her own fault that I hate her. In all the roles I have seen her in, not one of them has appealed to me as a likable character, not even when she played the idiot in Being John Malkovich or the other idiot in There�s Something About Mary. I think she�s stupid because of the movies she continues to star in and the characters she continues to play. Movies like Charlie�s Angels, Charlie�s Angels 2, and the brain-dissolving, please-kick-me-in-the-head-with-an-iron-boot The Sweetest Thing.

Getting back to Charlie�s Angels 2, I am offended because it is a sequel, as if the first one was such a goddamn masterpiece that we wanted more. When I am caught off guard by one of the overly obnoxious previews for the crap (I will not call it a film), I can almost hear director McG�s voice in my head shouting �You wanted more Angels, and here they come! In your face! G-dogg, bitch nigga! Whut??� (By the way, I think it no coincidence that this McG guy is also responsible for the Fox series Fastlane, which is quite possibly the dumbest show I have ever seen. What does McG mean? I have no idea, but it might have something to do with him looking like this.)

The other night I watched the movie Punch Drunk Love which is now on video and DVD. This is one of the best films I have seen in the past couple years, for a simple reason: it�s creative. This movie can be admired for a number of things, but what I took away from it more than anything is the idea that movies don�t have to be cliched, they don�t have to follow formulas, and they just plain don�t have to be anything. Punch Drunk Love is exciting to watch because it strays from all convention, placing you in a space beyond the average movie world. It is a world that seems strangely real in its surrealism, unbound by the traditional structures of what a movie should be and how characters should behave. It seems like the kind of film that someone like, say, McG wouldn�t be able to sit through because it would show him just how pointless and repetitive his work is. I believe Paul Thomas Anderson is on to something, picking away at a genre that exists somewhere between realism, French new wave, and hallucinogenic idealism.

If McG and Paul Thomas Anderson got in a fight, McG would probably win. ...I really don�t know how to follow that up. But know this: some movies stimulate brain cells, and some movies kill them.

Brett 33:45

And he appeared unto them, and they knew the word was God. And they spoke the word God, and it was he, their Lord and shepherd Jesus Christ. And Jesus thus spoke the word, and the word was Jesus God, their savior and word. And they prayed Jesus word God, the Christ savior. And the Heavenly word spoke word, and God was all, Jesus God word Christ bullfrog. And the word spoke God, and Jesus prayed Christ, and God spoke the word of Jesus, who was the astronaut savior. And they realized Christ, the shepherd orangutan of Nazareth, and God word Christ savior Jesus God word word Holy. And God spoke word, and the shepherd spoke word, and the Holy Spirit spoke "word up". And the Lord Savior Statistical Firehose Shepherd Jesus Christ God sat and dined on Rocky Road cereal. Word. To your mother. Amen.

Nothing Interesting to Write

Today I started my summer classes. The highlight of the day was when my theater arts teacher thought Survivor was called Off the Dangerous Island. More later.

Props to All the David Nelsons

Dear dear, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that. I've been busy. I hope the beasts at supermundane.com and that site about Egon Schiele kept you busy.

This week I am moving out of this little apartment. I would like to look around the rooms and say "this place was good to me", but I can't help but think about the refrigerator that doesn't refrige very well, or the shower that produces less water than the kitchen faucet. This morning I found the local ant-brigade invading my sink again, and I told them "In a few days it will be all yours, chums." Then I doused their numbers with soapy water.

I was reading the other day about the silly airport security these days. Apparently the feds are giving anybody named David Nelson a hard time. I've had a few ideas for when I depart on my trip; I could go to a dollar store and stock up on tweezers and small scissors and hair pins and the like, and put them all in a bag. Then I can hand it to the security folk at the airport and tell them "by the way, my friends call me Dave Nelson." But maybe that would be too extreme. What I AM going to do, though, is pack some kind of toy gun, obvious in its fakeness, and see if they confiscate it. If they do, I'm going to take a picture of the guy taking it and ask him to "smile justly".

Anyhoo, I will get back to my cleaning and boxing. That's right; Holyfield's up next. Bring it on, bitch!

C'est Genius!

Hey everyone, go look at the beasts. It will make your day.

Or you can read about my latest demi-idol.

Back to the Real World

Here's another world event. 4 Get Monkeypox Virus from Prairie Dogs. You know what? I didn't even read this article. I just love the headline. Read it. Read it again. This is the kind of thing that you'd think would make people want to read on, but yet I do not, because I know that if I knew the whole story then the headline would make perfect sense and stop being funny. So now you must make this decision for yourself: will you read the article in risk of diffusing the humor? Or Not? Choose!!!!

Brett's World of Corvallis

Here's what's new: my Japanese final oral exam was kind of like an episode of ER when they bring in the guy who swallowed a fire cracker and it got stuck in his heart and then it blew up and there was a big bleeding hole in his left ventricle and so they took him in and yelled some stuff and the camera made a bunch of quick sweeps of the OR, and in the end the guy dies. Well, okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I'm still unwinding from the stress of it all.

In other news, it's hot outside. I saw a cockroach pass out on the sidewalk this morning.

In other news, there's a big Reggae festival going on in the MU Quad right now. It's a refreshing alternative to the other local bands, who wear backwards hats and want to be like Limp Bizkit or Saliva. The Raggae groups just get up, say "hi everybody. Sure is hot today. Well, here's some music," and do their thing. Maybe it's the ganja. Eek-A-Mouse is even going to perform.

In other other news, today was my last day in Human Sexuality and I learned that girls really are bitches.

Finals and Brain Boxes

I am studying for finals and such. It's not very fun, and I don't have much to say about it. So I will refer you to this other site...

Dino Riders. I used to eat these things up as a kid. Not only does this site have info on all of the toys and merchandise, but the guy who put it together seems convinced that this was the greatest franchise man ever created. He's even got shit on the Smithsonian Dinosaur Collection, which makes me wonder how easy it was to get a "Authorized Replica, Smithsonian Museum" sticker on a toy line. Apparently the Smithsonian thinks dinosaurs had 4 points of articulation and perfectly symmetrical bodies, and that the T-Rex drug his tail around with a big grin on his face.

Deconstructing the Blog

As you can see, I've refurnished this here blog with a Mondrian motif. And I like it.

For Setsuko

I wish I could see you on the playgrounds of the cosmos, your eyes reflecting every sun to infinity. Meet me on the slide and we can ride it down to Venice; your life will be a luminescent memory

Last weekend one of my friends in Japan closed her eyes, and the world got a little dimmer.

busy signal

Classes and people things make me busy. Please be patient.

T-Shirt Makes the Man

Yesterday I was looking at T-Shirts. Seeing what the kids are wearing these days. Aside from those fake vintage shirts that are all the rage now thanks to American Eagle and Urban Outfitters, some OSU students had interesting threads. The best I saw: a black tee with the words "QUIT WORK MAKE MUSIC". The worst I saw: a sorority's shirt mimicking the "Hooters" logo. And who's complaining about stereotyping?

The prevalent poor t-shirt fashion sense of OSU gave me some ideas of my own in shirt design. Watch my wardrobe for developments.

"It's like an airplane, sir. But...without wings!"

Maybe I'm doing too much commentary on world events, but dammit, there's so much silly stuff to write about!

Yet another U.S. Helicopter has crashed in Iraq. I'm not even going to link to the article this time. So this is, what, the fifth copter our troops have planted into the ground during this "war"? Isn't becoming a tad obvious that our boys just don't know how to fly them fuckin things? I thought it was morbidly funny when the first big loss for the U.S. in this "war" was one of our helicopters crashing on accident. But when it kept happening over and over, it stopped being funny. It became hilarious! But now it is kind of sad. I can just picture a general briefing his troops over in Iraq: "Okay, we need a helicopter team. Who's in?"
"Not me, sir."
"Someone else, sir."
"I have palsey, sir."
"I get air sick, sir."
"I..um...just don't want to go because we've already lost a whole shitload of marines in copter crashes, sir."

I am guessing it's the air force's job to teach these grunts how to pilot a whirly-bird. So what's going wrong? Maybe all the recruits want to fly jets. Once they get out on that airfield, humming to themselves "high-way-to-the-danger zone", they all sprint to the coolest looking jets they can find. There's always the instructor pleading "c'mon, guys! Doesn't anyone want to learn how to fly a helicopter?" But a cocky young Joe shouts back "helicopters are gay! WOOO!" as he flips the switches in his Tomcat and lifts off. "Take my breath awaaaaaaaay!"

Anyway, thanks to movies like "Apocalypse Now" and the G.I. Joe franchise, I think helicopters are pretty cool. And that's my final thought.

Spit for your Forefathers

"Spitting, backed by a common belief that frequent internal cleansing is good for your health, has a long history in China." That's right; the nation of China was founded on the right to spit. Emperor Ming Mu, some 800 years ago, was walking up the palace steps to inherit his political power when he turned and spit on a civilian baby. A hush fell over the crowd of onlooking thousands. Then cheers broke out as everyone remembered how important it is to cleanse your insides frequently. The mother of the wet, baffled child had tears of pride in her eyes knowing that the emperor had chosen her offspring as a target for his saliva. In modern China, it was a common site to see people walking down the street spitting on things. Parents taught their children how to maximize the force and distance of an expelled loogey, telling them "spitting holds an important place in China's history. Now spit!" But recently, with the emergence of SARS, Chinese citizens began noticing that whenever they spit, people around them would fall over dead. In more serious cases, spit units were reported to have changed into a bomb-like shape after leaving a person's mouth. So they passed a law. Now, the fine for spitting is $24. This has made Chinese citizens very selective in choosing what to spit on. Also, it's a good threat; if someone pisses you off, all you need do is make that *hoooiiik* noise and flash 24 bucks, and your opponent will back off, fearing for his life.

Strangely enough, officials are now saying that the epidemic is receding. Now that people are keeping their spit urges repressed, the virus is not spreading as rapidly. It's like the ultimate manners lesson:

"Now now, Jimmy. Don't spit."
"Aww, why not, Mrs. Thabernackle?"
"Because if you keep doing it, Jimmy, all of your friends will fall victim to a deadly virus that crushes the life out of their lungs."
"...Oh. Okay."

"Japanese/English Ear Canal Translator"

Don't ask me how I found this (how do I find any of these fuckin sites?). There are a lot of American nerds with ponytails and computers who spend an unreasonable amount of time expressing their sci-fi/anime fantasies in the form of poorly drawn online comics and poorly written "fan-fiction" stories. But David Gonterman has achieved psuedo-star status amongst these people, namely for being exceptionally, consistently terrible at what he does.

Click here to find out a little about him, or click here to read a chapter from one of the best goddamn stories ever written.

Today

The sun was out today, and it was hot. I saw some birds. A bunch of queer kids talked in my Human Sexuality class. They talked about being queer. I saw some people riding bikes. My shirt today reads "EXPORT ME", but no one did. Jumpin' Jivin' Jimmy Bo Jangles!

The Wives Of Ely EP

Playgrounds is up to something. I just know it.

The Sea Quest chimney sweep steps lightly, but with haste in Georgian.

Current Inspiration

Gilded Age aesthetics and commercial art; the art nouveau movement; children's books; 50s pop; 60s lounge; Takashi Murakami; the dawn of travelling circuses; textured sound; nonsensical babble

Turn The World Upside Down!

I'm pretty sure the Japanese midterm I took a few minutes ago confirmed my shitty grade for the class. It's just too much. Direct style affirmative-imperfective? Fuck that, sensei. I might have trouble memorizing 3 pages of words for every session.

But everyone says "don't let things like that get you down." And that's a good idea, so rather than feeling like I failed, I am going to feel like I won. That's right, let's celebrate! All this week we can celebrate my low standing in all my classes. A bad grade in Art History? Have a drink! It's not often things bomb so badly, so let's sieze the moment and party hard. Come, chums! A shot for every point I missed today! We'll beat the candy out of a big pinata 'F'. Imagine, if the whole world was like this, things would be...crazy!

Anyhoo, I have to go type an essay. If I get a bad grade, we'll roll out the Twister mat!

Still Busy (but musical gears are turning)

A: I can make it sound like I recorded the album in a iron drum.

B: So why not just record the album in a iron drum?

A: Well, it might be cramped, and I can't afford the drum.

Mr. Celegans Lives!

I have too much shit to study for, and I may be losing my mind, but I had to post this:

Live worms found in space shuttle debris. In case the astronauts found any fishin' holes while orbiting the earth, there were a couple containers of C.elegans (little worms) stored on board the Columbia. Apparently workers looking through the shuttle debris have found hundreds of worms that survived the re-entry explosion which turned the seven astronauts into pepper. While the worms are having little parties in their petri dishes, NASA experts are suspicious. "We're beginng to consider the possibility of sabotage on the worms' part," says NASA scientist Robert Bostiersnoodle.

God's Homepage

It's right here> The Homepage Of God

Today I have been searching for my multi-subject notebook that seems to have disappeared. I took this notebook to almost every class, and we shared all kinds of information and drawings. You might say it was my closest companion. So that's sad. Something else that's sad is that it contained all my Japanese, Human Sexuality, and Art History notes, which are very important, so that's also sad. In fact, that sucks major metaphysical divine ass. I have to go look for it...

A Hero In His Own Right

I don' t know who this guy is, but he's got a bunch of pictures of guitars and a serious problem with Blink 182, and you know that's all right with me. (note how he doesn't think Incubus sucks, just the fans of Incubus)

website of a guy who loves guitars and the Allman Brothers but hates Blink 182 with a passion

Dining Mac's Retro Peaceful-ness

Is it true that no two countries that have McDonalds have ever gone to war? Can the universally-recognized golden arches really prevent bloodshed? Are the fries just that good?? Well, we may never know for sure, but for now we can discard that issue and look at this. It's the plans for a new, ultra-stylish McDonalds(or Macadonadodos, or Dining Mac) being built in Tokyo. I figure a stunt like this wouldn't really make much of a difference in America; the arty hipster crowd probably wouldn't start trading their mochas for a filet-o-fish. But it is nice to know that the franchise is making an effort to stay hip, in Japan at least. Then again, even Q-Tip companies strive to be hip in Japan. So maybe it won't make much of a difference there, either. Of course, I forgot what I was talking about, so I will close by saying I am at computer No. 50, and there is no food or drink allowed in the library.

I Wanna Be Like Mike

I have compiled excerpts from articles and websites and pieced together Mike Tyson's psycho rant that he delivered after beating Lou Saverese. Based on my sources, Mike said something like this:

"I'm Sonny Liston! I'm Jack Dempsey! Lennox Lewis, I want to eat your heart. I want to eat your children. You're no match for me when I'm right. I want to rip his heart out and feed it to him. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. I have never cared about the public. I enjoy doing this. I enjoy hurting people. That is how I make a living. I am in the hurting business. I sometimes do not like myself. I can understand why people do not like me. Praise be to Allah."

When he's right? What the hell does that mean? Just for the record, he also once said "I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." Mike Tyson is such a funny guy.

MARSELLUS (OS)
I think you're gonna find -- when
all this shit is over and done -- I
think you're gonna find yourself
one smilin' motherfucker. Thing is
Butch, right now you got ability.
But painful as it may be, ability
don't last. Now that's a hard
motherfuckin' fact of life, but
it's a fact of life your ass is
gonna hafta git realistic about.
This business is filled to the brim
with unrealistic motherfuckers who
thought their ass aged like wine.
Besides, even if you went all the
way, what would you be? Feather-
weight champion of the world. Who
gives a shit? I doubt you can even
get a credit card based on that.

Now the night of the fight, you may
fell a slight sting, that's pride
fuckin' wit ya. Fuck pride! Pride
only hurts, it never helps. Fight
through that shit. 'Cause a year
from now, when you're kickin' it in
the Caribbean you're gonna say,
"Marsellus Wallace was right."

Breaking News

Remember back in elementary school when kids had little clubs? And remember that one kid who was a real jerk and would try to force everyone to play his games, and if you didn't want to play he would call you a wuss? And then remember how that jerk would stop inviting you to play and say "you're kicked out of the club because you're stupid"? Well, most kids grow out of that, but...

Yahoo! News

I Love ASIMO's Ass

While America is still proud of My Pal 2 as its most advanced humanoid robot, Honda of Japan has ASIMO, an astronaut-looking robot that knows over 100 words (that's still less than Furby...), can recognize human faces and mimics human movements. So what is this robot used for? Well, um, he stars in car commercials, goes on world tours, and recently rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. But what really sets this 3P0 unit apart from other droids is that ASIMO has his own job. That's right, the robot is working as a receptionist, welcoming people to department stores and company buldings and making $280,000 a year.

I'm sure ASIMO is very proud of himself. You know you're a true humanoid when someone makes you get a job. It all makes sense, though; after doing some commercials and touring for a while, ASIMO probably started spending all his days watching TV and eating Pocky. Finally a Honda technician walked in to find him lounging on the couch, and said "Christ, ASIMO, get a job or something."

I also think it's great that the most advanced humanoid in the world gets a job usually given to beligerent old people. I'm sure standing, lifting his hand and saying "Irassyaimase" is utilizing his multi-million-dollar programming to its best potential. But hell! I love the guy anyway. He's out makin a buck, payin his dues, and representin in the face of Sony's SDR4 robot ("He's wack!" says ASIMO. Probably.)

That's all for today.

Eatser

Easter has come and gone. It is a day we celebrate family, trees, and Christ rising from the grave. We celebrate His glorious resurrection, when on the third day Vincent Price stood and spoke these words:

"Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'awl's neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpse's shell..."

And thus He rose, and he turned the nearest rabbit into hollow milk chocolate. Then, by holy will, the rabbit mated with a chicken, and thus produced chocolate eggs, some with creamy centers. And He said unto the bunny, "My large-eared friend, take this multi-coloured basket and fill it with your chocolate dozen. Take it and deliver these delicious treats to children near and far, but ho! Make sure thee hides them well. The children must earn their foil-wrapped sweets, in the name of my father the Lord. Here, take these sparks of my distant cousin and get along with you. Watch out for the mirror man, and elixirs too."

And so the rabbit hopped away, and Jesus flew up to join his father in Heaven. And there you have it. Hope y'awl had a good one.

Happy (late) Birthday, Astroboy

"We Japanese want live in future beside robot. That is why we love Astroboy." 72-year-old Japanese citizen

Experimental Vaccumes and Exits

The text I am reading for Philosophy of Environmental Values and Ethics is extremely boring. This evening I have to read 46 pages out of it, and you can imagine I am having some trouble. When I am reading a text book that has me considerably frustrated, I always feel the urge to write the author a letter that says "Hello. I am reading your book, and I just wanted to tell you it is boring the hell out of me. Whatever your goal was in writing it has crashed and burned in my case. Please try harder next time." One of these days I will probably end up writing such a letter, but so far I haven't reached that level of frustration.

On days when the sun is out but it is still cold, I feel like Oregon is screwing me in the ass.

Try This At Home

Next time you are talking on the phone, stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself. It's like you are seeing the other person's mental image.

exprE$$o

Go here to see one of the creepiest things on the web!

(oh, and they might have a point, too)

I Went to Bed at 4

So I was at this small hotel that someone lived in, and a party was going on. I went with Andy and we didn't really like any of the people there, so we left to a room with a bunch of potted plants and ceramic knick-nacks. I said something like "Does an old lady live in this place?" Andy broke out his new portable gaming system which sucked because there was only one program; a collection of short, unsatisfying games. We played a couple and they did, indeed, suck. Tristan came in with some girl, but Andy and I didn't care to meet her. Then we began playing some fantasy-knight/adventurer-vs.-dragons-and-wizards type game, and it wasn't too bad. We played it for hours, and most of the party people went home, and the folks remaining joined us with the game. Then I was playing the game, and I died, and the game was over. Everyone was pretty bummed out. Then I was in the game, a villain, telling the supreme evil wizard who may have been David Bowie that the hero had been killed. The supreme evil wizard then told me of his new idea to stop being so dark and gloomy all the time, and he had decided to bring sunshine to the evil scary land we lived in. But another villain, a little devil-girl, pleaded to wizardbowie not to raise the sun because the sunshine would hurt her. I remember thinking she was stupid. Wizardbowie didn't care, and up came the sun. The devil-girl started screaming and ran back into the gothic castle in which we hung out. I went in and tried to comfort her, and there may have been some kind of past relationship between us, but then a bunch of old fisherman came in and said they wanted to go crabbing. I went with them down to the docks and we threw in our rings and talked about fishing and such. I remember pulling out a bunch of already cooked crab legs and we just squeezed lemon on them and ate them, shell and all. David Bowie was singing "Dancing in the Street", and the old men were laughing at him.

I think this dream was inspired by my trip to the coast with Andy and Tristan, Rumina's "Dragon Quest V" obsession, and the Mick Jagger/David Bowie video for "Dancing in the Street". By the way, that was a good radio show last night, shitdogs.

The Trouble with Horror Movies

Last night I viewed "The Ring"(the American version), and afterwards I reviewed my experience while watching it and decided that it is, indeed, scary. I admit; the girl in the closet, the NIN video, Patti Smith coming out of the TV...It all did a pretty good job at creeping my ass out. Do I think it is a good movie? Not really, no. And that's the problem I've come across.

Horror movies don't have to be good to be scary, and that just doesn't seem right to me. Many of these movies have poorly developed characters, nonsensical storylines and shitty endings, BUT they have plenty of scary makeup, loud music bursts and special effects to compensate. Movies like "The Ring" and "The Mothman Prophecies" seem to have started out with good ideas, but after reviewing the scripts and deciding they made no sense at all the producers just said "hell with it. We'll throw in some disturbing imagery, quick cuts and color effects and release it anyway."

What also makes me whine is that horror movies don't have to be scary to be good. Did I think "The Sixth Sense" was good? Yeah. Did it scare me? Hell no, except for those couple parts with quick cuts, scary makeup, and music bursts.

This scary-but-bad thing also applies to video games. I remember when I first played "Silent Hill" for the Sony Playstation. It was one of the craziest, creepiest things I'd ever experienced, but the game itself sucked.

Anyway, I have to go now. I will leave you with a couple personal exceptions: "The Blair Witch Project" and "Signs" (I love these movies, and they scared me). Also, if you viewers at home have any examples of crappy movies that still scared you, feel free to comment on them.

First things first

After reading the responses to my kanji rant that succeeded in making me feel stupid for a few minutes, I began thinking about this concept of conveying ideas with a single crazy character. I started to push this idea: what about kanji characters that could tell a whole sentence? Or paragraph? Or even a whole story? Then I had this vision of people in Japan buying big cards instead of books. Each card has a big, single kanji written on it, and after staring at it for about 10 seconds the person says "Whoa! That's a great story!" or "I can't believe the murderer was her own son!" Now THAT would be cool.

That's great, but kanji cook?

This term I am taking a course in Kanji, and after two classes I am beginning to question the intelligence of those crazy Japanese. Never before have I heard of such a confusing and ultimately unecessary alphabet. Japan already has two alphabets they crafted with their own hands, and these seem to work just fine for all their language needs, but they still hang on to this complex set of Chinese characters. This is the best analogy I can come up with to try to convey the baffling concept of kanji: Imagine Americans incorporating ancient cave drawings into everyday writing. Instead of writing the 'o' in "gasoline", you would draw an intricate picture of a figure standing next to a smoking fireplace. The picture represents the sound 'o' but also the sound 'ba" and the phrase "Bob's your uncle". So why not just use the letter 'o'? For two very good reasons: #1, because cave drawings are old, and old things are important, and #2, because writing everything in modern letters would be too simple. I'm dead fucking serious. These are the only explanations I have obtained for why Japanese people use kanji characters.

But, hey, it's not my country, and I'm just glad I was able to write this whole entry with the warm, friendly, 26 letters of my alphabet.

The Mouse Killed the Pencil

"It is removed from the hand of a real living being, so the feelings that people have when they see this kind of art are less intensive." -artist Keroman on the use of computers in modern art

Owl With Turtles for Eyes

A few minutes ago the power flickered here in the Valley Library causing all the computers to reset. In the seconds that followed, the sound of 30+ computer users whispering profanities along with one guy in the back shouting "No!" was the highlight of my day.

The Japanese "Durama" Rant

Over the past couple months I've been exposed to some prerecorded television "dramas" from Japan. I have come to the conclusion that these "dramas" are stupid.

I'm sure there are American TV shows/movies that are quite identical to these "dramas", but I never watch them, and not many other people do either. Soaps are on in the daytime and are viewed regularly by old people and middle-aged single women. What makes the "dramas" different is that, to my understanding, they are on during prime time and attract a large youthful audience, mainly because they almost always star a firm young pop musician.

I hate the dramas because they are so ideal. At any point during one of these shows (or movies...whatever the hell they are), no matter what the state of emotional anguish the attractive protagonists are in, I would still want their life rather than mine. To have a broken heart is one thing; to have a broken heart while lying on a bear-skin rug next to a glowing fireplace with a glass of 30,000-yen wine is quite another. I will now describe an ultra-simplified, fictional example of one of these dramas: A pop star's supermodel girlfriend walks in on him sleeping with another supermodel, so she cries and leaves him (the scene accompanied by the hit single off his new album!). The two estranged beautiful people live their separate lives for a while, each finding a new perfectly compatible supermodel/pop star to sleep with. But alas, they keep bumping into each other at flea markets, and awkward, sexually tense conversations ensue until broken apart by one of the new significant others. Finally, after hyper-dramatically leaving their new lovers, the two just happen to meet each other on that bridge in Venice(?) where they first met, and they look into each others' eyes for a full 7 minutes before breathily embracing one another. BUT, they decide that it can never be, because even though he says he will love her until the end of time (just like he sings in his hot new single!), the...music has swelled and the camera has begun to pull away, so the supermodel is left standing on the bridge in Venice in her brand new Pierre Cardin overcoat. THE END

Another great variation on the "drama" formula is the kind in which no one seems to acknowledge that these people are supermodels. "Hi, I am (Japanese Idol's name), and I have taken a break from singing songs and losing weight to star in my new movie. In it, I play a lonely runway worker..." Or how about this one: "In between posing for swimsuit calendars and starring in expensive porn films, I made a movie in which I play a lonely kindergarten teacher..."

Anyhoo, that's enough for today. I have to go sulk in my swimming pool full of money and prepare for my movie role as a hot-dog vendor. The drama!

A quick note about the comment link: It is common for it to run a little slow. Sometimes you will click the 'comment' button and nothing will happen. I don't know what the problem is; as I've always said, computers suck ass. But if this happens, don't panic and hit the button over and over. If you hit it once, your comment will be posted, but the page just has trouble reloading. Just close the window and open the comment page again. Your words will be there.

note: I suppose this information would be useful if people actually used the goddamn comment link, but since most of you don't, this post has probably been pretty boring. Let me make it up to you; Marine Mammal Penis!

I Am A Bad Artist

Today I pondered bad art, and decided that it cannot really exist, because labeling something as 'bad art' is still giving it credit as being art, meaning that it is succeeding on some artistic level. The same can be said about a bad artist; he is still an artist. So I guess the lesson to be learned is this: whenever you hear or see something you don't like, you can just say "this isn't art," and whoever made it will cry.

Dub Narcotic Sound System put on a good show. I shook Calvin Johnson's hand. They did some rocking and some dancing. Calvin name-checked Lebanon during a song. Richard danced with the drummer. It was all well and good.

A trial in perspective and storytelling

http://manjiri.blogspot.com/

Scum Manifesto

I watched "I Shot Andy Warhol" the other day, and I must say it accomplished the impossible in presenting a likable, interesting feminist. For a movie all about masculine women and feminine men, it was pretty enjoyable. Plus, it featured Stephen Dorff playing a transvestite with some silly lines:

"So Candy, we've been wondering; how often do you get your period?"

"Every day, Andy. I'm such a woman."

By the way, you can buy the crazy feminist's book at Amazon.

Bob Saget's Blood

Phiiliip is a strange boy, about my age. He started writing and recording songs when he was 14, and has allegedly written over 1000. He has written for a couple New York publications, including The Village Voice, and will soon have a book of (crazy!) fiction published. Last year he released his first album, "Pet Cancer", and Alexio said it sounded like "really bad Skinny Puppy." Nonetheless, it was one of the most interesting albums I'd heard in years. I'm listening to Phiiliip right now. Here is his site.

A: Would you like a white bell pepper?

B: What?

A: Sorry, I was dreaming.

Gigolo Tide

I'm back from the coast. We had a grand merry time, but now my skin is reddened by the evil sun. Here is what we learned from the Oregon coast:

-sea life is best studied when poked with a stick
-crabs aren't people-friendly
-glow sticks were meant to be chopped in half
-crows hate Tristan
-there are no buffalo at the coast

I finished this about a week ago and I hesitated posting it because I thought it was too long. But hey, I probably won't be posting for a few more days, so what the hell.

AND THE 'OSKAR' GOES TO...
Momus - Oskar Tennis Champion

Oskar Tennis Champion can be viewed as a tennis match in itself, with Momus�s voice and lyrics facing off against John Fashion Flesh�s glitched-out remixes of each song. Fashion Flesh in fact reproduced the album; after completing them in Tokyo, Momus sent the Oskar songs via internet to John in the U.S. who mangled them in his own disjointed fashion and sent them back. The result is distinctly the product of two masterminds, and each song features the music being bounced back and forth between electro-glitch tangents and Momus�s sneaking voice.

Of course, for this tennis match to be appealing to the audience there must be a sort of balance between both sides of the court. The players must try to keep the ball in constant rhythmic volley, otherwise one player will dominate the game. Oskar Tennis Champion tries hard to keep this rhythm and balance throughout the album, but inevitably some songs come out a little uneven.

The real threat to consistency here is Fashion Flesh. He�s the Challenger. Momus is our home player; having produced every one of his previous albums with his own two hands, we have our expectations for what we want to hear from the self-proclaimed Tender Pervert/Ultraconformist/Smooth Folk Singer. But this time Momus has trusted Oskar in the hands Fashion Flesh, and with good reason. Flesh reproduced Oliver Cobol�s 8-bit madrigals in the same fashion and, calling themselves The Super Madrigal Brothers, released the fantastic glitch-nostalgia album "Shakestation". Momus released the CD on his American Patchwork label and was so impressed with Flesh�s work that he commissioned him for the Oskar project (Oliver Cobol also contributed to Oskar Tennis Champion with the semi-secret track, "Ring Tone Cycle").

The question is, can Fashion Flesh�s reproduction truly be on par with Momus�s own production skills, which we�ve come to know and love? In reading his website essays you will find that Momus surely thinks so, and for the most part, I agree.

After listening to the album there�s no doubt that Flesh has a fine understanding of music and an intricate imagination to go with it. You can hear Momus�s trademark retro-electronic arrangements as the groundwork for each song, but now the music is in constant flux. Blips, clicks, moog sweeps and video-game sounds continually come and go while the vocals and melodies are subjected to an endless barrage of computer effects. Though we have no way of knowing what exactly has been altered from the original Momus-produced tracks (which may never be heard), one senses these versions have undergone quite a bit of electronic fucking-around to sound like they do on the album.

Ah, but what about the man himself? Where is Momus in all of this? He�s here, in all his obscure witty glory, and his new musical musings lean toward the absurdist side. "Is it Because I�m a Pirate?" follows the thoughts of a pirate who�s been stood up for a date, but he is prepared to wait. "Scottish Lips" pleads that a lover have feelings for more than a certain facial characteristic, while the narrator of "A Lapdog" reflects and regrets sending a girl to Antarctica out of jealousy toward her cute little pet. "The Last Communist" sounds like an ad for the communist party done by the Pet Shop Boys, and features a few jabs at American politics ("You're writing up the budget and you're purchasing supplies/It's always someone else's turn to die"). As for "My Sperm Is Not Your Enemy", well, use your imagination.

The title track tells the story of a Tati-esque uncle�s slapstick adventure through an ultra-modern world, but this is one track that seems to get buried by the reproduction. Listening to it, I sometimes wish there was a button on my stereo that could turn off the cluttered electronic noise. "Multiplying Love" begins with the potential to become a clever modern love song in the tradition of Momus�s classic "I Want You But I Don�t Need You", but gets devoured by effects and static before ending at a little over a minute, as if he�s afraid of becoming too relative. "Electrosexual Sewing Machine" is one of the songs that finds perfect balance as both musicians� talents dance a dark, foreboding waltz to lyrics rooted in the surreal. The other highlight of the album can be found in "The Laird of Iversnecky", a delightful vaudevillian tune sung with Scottish flavor, and an instant Momus classic.

Some fans argue that since his 1997 album Ping Pong, Momus has become more of a novelty act than an expressive musician. Indeed, The Little Red Songbook, Stars Forever, and Folktronic were all conceptual, each album produced with cheesy hardware and exploring a musical idea. Oskar Tennis Champion sees Momus, this time without solid concept, returning to where he left off with Ping Pong, but we must keep in mind that 6 years have passed. He has since moved beyond the indie-pop territory of exorcising inner demons and commenting on the more taboo aspects of society. His new musical concepts and inspirations are more abstract visions that exist only inside his head, interpretations of whatever obscure brain food he�s discovered in the past couple years. His official move into the genre of electronica has only further depersonalized the man and allowed for the music (and his collaborator) to do 50% of the talking.

Oskar Tennis Champion is an interesting, absurd, richly-textured album that invites us to take a seat in the bubbling hot tub of the electronic avant-garde, but we just can�t help asking: "Momus, where�s the heart?" B

The Sad, Stupid Truth

Go here. Read this.

I haven't been around for a few days. Busy stuff.

Anyway, the CD of my songs didn't turn out quite as good as was expected, but the songs are available for download if you want to hear them. Contact Cody for info on that.

I watched Fellini's Satyricon this morning. The one scene I remember most, aside from every crazy image that makes up the movie, is a 3-4 second shot with a guy in a fish suit. This...thing doesn't appear anywhere else in the film, and isn't explained or acknowledged by the characters. And I think that's cool.

Horses, Fighter Planes, Scary Faces, People Doing It

For any of you who didn' t know, the 11-song tape that I made for Mr. John Louie is completed. Here's a brief review:

"The tape really does kick some ass. It was a lot more impressive than I imagined it would to be." "Damn." -anonymous listener

Cody Donahue is going to attempt to put the songs on CD. If any of you fucks want to hear this thing, all you need do is ask.

I'm gonna make this quick, because it's finals week.

Aww, c'mon. You all know how this war is going to turn out. Saddam's going to attack the U.S. with all his homemade tanks and mail-away guns, and the American troops with their helmets on backwards are going to press the big red buttons in their cloaked, flying tanks that send heat-seeking lazer missles blasting at the speed of light towards anyone in the area with Iraqi DNA. Saddam's gonna say "Shit, nig," and order all of his forces to retreat into the mountains. Bush will take his cigar out of his mouth long enough to say "let's persue them bastards" and the U.S. forces will give chase, only to find a secret Saddam-La land hidden in the canyons of Iraq. Our boys in green will be caught off-guard by giant mutant insects and genetically modified soldiers that fly and attack with big metal fish, but Bush will use his Microsoft brand heat-ray to incinerate his way deep into Saddam's lair. There he will find that the Iraqi president's leading scientists have been combining the DNA of history's greatest tyrants to make the most powerful leader the world has ever known. The genetic frankenstein will throw an evil snake at Bush and mortally wound him, but the villian will then come to the realization that he has no mother and father and turn his evil powers on himself, meeting death by his own hand. Saddam, meanwhile, will admit to Bush that they are in fact half-brothers and proceed to nurse the American president back to health, who will in turn draw a silver .44 from his holster and blast Saddam's brains out. Then he'll say "yee haw!" and do the curl-leaf shuffle. The End.

He Talks Like the Fonz!

"When Saddam Hussein says he has no weapons of mass destruction, he means what he says." -Saddam Hussein

"The only option is the departure of the warmonger No. 1 in the world � the failing President Bush who has made his country a joke in the world." -Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri

The Quest for Comments, book 3

At last I've met success. Each post has a shiny new comment link, ready to serve the public's desire to shout back at me. The flood gates are open, whelps! Let your voices ring out, and my keen ears shall deliver me your opinions and queries.

test. Sprinkles of colored cocaine on your baby's rosy jelly face.

changesbrett / The Quest for Comments, book 2

There are a couple new things on this here site. First, if you scroll down you will find an email link. I finally found out how to put one up (no thanks to the blogger "help" option). Also, there is the comment link. The good news is I have one. The bad news is I have ONLY one. The point of having comments is so that each post can have its own feedback. But, as it is, there is only one link that rides the latest post, and that really isn't what I was looking for. So fuckdiddlyuck, I'll just have to rearrange some ridiculously complex codes in HTML World.

final John's Taste update: I'm finishing it, I'm finishing it!

Made Me What I Am Today

Classic Nick Homepage

I found a site with information about all the old 80s Nickelodeon shows. Exploring this site has uncovered entire sections of my memory. THIS is the stuff I watched every day as a kid. Take a look, maybe you did too.

Even if you don't know any of these shows, check out "Picture Pages". It's the Cos' with a magic pen!

Brett's Busy

I don't have any time to think of something clever to write, so I will just give you this to think about:

"...When guys are alone they create impossibly cool games. For example, my brother and I spent elementary school coming up with ways to combine baseball with full contact kickboxing. When there were no girls around, we invented sports like Everyone Jump Off the Roof and Light Mike on Fire. Once girls entered our lives, it was all over. Because after the age of 12, the only time you ever completely get away from women is the one afternoon where your health teacher takes you away to a seperate screening room and shows you the horrible things that can grow on your penis. And that's no time to be inventing sports." -Seanbaby, seanbaby.com

Not much time to write stuff. Busy memorizing Japanese. Nakanaka muzukashii, yo.

John's Taste Update: recorded "Pleased to meet You"; loading problems no more, recorded "Quarter-horses Ride at Dawn"; recorded "The Silly Sex Song", but didn't record on John's tape yet (may show up as a bonus track)

John's Taste Update: completed "Animal Behavior", ready to record; completed "Vanilla Coke", ready to record; completed electronic track for "Pleased to Meet You"; ran into loading problems with "Quarter-horses Ride at Dawn" and "Zardoz", so they may not make the cut. Poo.

It's Worth a Membership

If you go to MSN chat and click the "my MSN nickname" link, it shows you a box allowing you to change your nickname. The great part is the suggested names it lists below the box, which are apparently random adjectives and nouns stuck together. This feature is, at the same time, a 'Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band name generator' and a 'Momus song-title dispenser'. Here are a couple winners I just found:

Polyvinyl Tapestry
Trueborn Eel
Haunting Paladin
Shunned Lotus
Combined Bean
Onstage Odin
Tyrannous Nut
Minus Cracker
Mahogany Uniform
Dallying Minotaur

If you keep hitting the "more" link, the names keep comin!

Something to think about, in light of the protests...

"The U.S. invasion of Panama in December 1989 was devised to remove narco-dictator Manuel Antonio Noriega from that country and deliver him to U.S. justice. The rest of the world rose to condemn the American intervention. Everywhere, pacifists shouted insults at Yankee imperialism -- everywhere, except Panama, where the people welcomed the invaders and revealed to them where the dictatorship's thugs were hiding." -article in The Miami Herald

John's Taste update: prepared guitar track for fourth song, "Pleased to Meet You"

The Quest for Comments, book 1

I ventured to the site of Enetation.com, supposedly one of the most widely used comment-installing systems on the web. "Sign up and get started" it told me. I jumped through the hoops placed before me, the password choosing, the verification, the email. All was done as asked. Then a body of text tole me "you are signed up. Please login using the box to the left." But lo, upon entering my username and password, a white screen did present itself before my eyes, and it said thus: "Username invalid". I tried again and again, my efforts true, but to no avail. The login was a lie. So I gathered my men and set sail.

Chucky Rode in 'Wild Animal Car'

I am going to really try to get a comment thing on this stupid blog. I found another site exactly like mine, and that person had comments. Someday the term "user-friendly" will actually have a fucking meaning.

Anyhoo, yesterday I went on a little Portland odyssey with some ne'er-do-wells, and I came across "Oskar Tennis Champion" in a neato indie music shop. Expect a review for the album posted on this site within the next few days. Also while we were there a small dog barked at Tristan, a funny postcard was discovered and purchased, and some fish-juice made civil hands unclean.

I go now.