Mr. Celegans Lives!

I have too much shit to study for, and I may be losing my mind, but I had to post this:

Live worms found in space shuttle debris. In case the astronauts found any fishin' holes while orbiting the earth, there were a couple containers of C.elegans (little worms) stored on board the Columbia. Apparently workers looking through the shuttle debris have found hundreds of worms that survived the re-entry explosion which turned the seven astronauts into pepper. While the worms are having little parties in their petri dishes, NASA experts are suspicious. "We're beginng to consider the possibility of sabotage on the worms' part," says NASA scientist Robert Bostiersnoodle.

God's Homepage

It's right here> The Homepage Of God

Today I have been searching for my multi-subject notebook that seems to have disappeared. I took this notebook to almost every class, and we shared all kinds of information and drawings. You might say it was my closest companion. So that's sad. Something else that's sad is that it contained all my Japanese, Human Sexuality, and Art History notes, which are very important, so that's also sad. In fact, that sucks major metaphysical divine ass. I have to go look for it...

A Hero In His Own Right

I don' t know who this guy is, but he's got a bunch of pictures of guitars and a serious problem with Blink 182, and you know that's all right with me. (note how he doesn't think Incubus sucks, just the fans of Incubus)

website of a guy who loves guitars and the Allman Brothers but hates Blink 182 with a passion

Dining Mac's Retro Peaceful-ness

Is it true that no two countries that have McDonalds have ever gone to war? Can the universally-recognized golden arches really prevent bloodshed? Are the fries just that good?? Well, we may never know for sure, but for now we can discard that issue and look at this. It's the plans for a new, ultra-stylish McDonalds(or Macadonadodos, or Dining Mac) being built in Tokyo. I figure a stunt like this wouldn't really make much of a difference in America; the arty hipster crowd probably wouldn't start trading their mochas for a filet-o-fish. But it is nice to know that the franchise is making an effort to stay hip, in Japan at least. Then again, even Q-Tip companies strive to be hip in Japan. So maybe it won't make much of a difference there, either. Of course, I forgot what I was talking about, so I will close by saying I am at computer No. 50, and there is no food or drink allowed in the library.

I Wanna Be Like Mike

I have compiled excerpts from articles and websites and pieced together Mike Tyson's psycho rant that he delivered after beating Lou Saverese. Based on my sources, Mike said something like this:

"I'm Sonny Liston! I'm Jack Dempsey! Lennox Lewis, I want to eat your heart. I want to eat your children. You're no match for me when I'm right. I want to rip his heart out and feed it to him. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. I have never cared about the public. I enjoy doing this. I enjoy hurting people. That is how I make a living. I am in the hurting business. I sometimes do not like myself. I can understand why people do not like me. Praise be to Allah."

When he's right? What the hell does that mean? Just for the record, he also once said "I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." Mike Tyson is such a funny guy.

MARSELLUS (OS)
I think you're gonna find -- when
all this shit is over and done -- I
think you're gonna find yourself
one smilin' motherfucker. Thing is
Butch, right now you got ability.
But painful as it may be, ability
don't last. Now that's a hard
motherfuckin' fact of life, but
it's a fact of life your ass is
gonna hafta git realistic about.
This business is filled to the brim
with unrealistic motherfuckers who
thought their ass aged like wine.
Besides, even if you went all the
way, what would you be? Feather-
weight champion of the world. Who
gives a shit? I doubt you can even
get a credit card based on that.

Now the night of the fight, you may
fell a slight sting, that's pride
fuckin' wit ya. Fuck pride! Pride
only hurts, it never helps. Fight
through that shit. 'Cause a year
from now, when you're kickin' it in
the Caribbean you're gonna say,
"Marsellus Wallace was right."

Breaking News

Remember back in elementary school when kids had little clubs? And remember that one kid who was a real jerk and would try to force everyone to play his games, and if you didn't want to play he would call you a wuss? And then remember how that jerk would stop inviting you to play and say "you're kicked out of the club because you're stupid"? Well, most kids grow out of that, but...

Yahoo! News

I Love ASIMO's Ass

While America is still proud of My Pal 2 as its most advanced humanoid robot, Honda of Japan has ASIMO, an astronaut-looking robot that knows over 100 words (that's still less than Furby...), can recognize human faces and mimics human movements. So what is this robot used for? Well, um, he stars in car commercials, goes on world tours, and recently rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. But what really sets this 3P0 unit apart from other droids is that ASIMO has his own job. That's right, the robot is working as a receptionist, welcoming people to department stores and company buldings and making $280,000 a year.

I'm sure ASIMO is very proud of himself. You know you're a true humanoid when someone makes you get a job. It all makes sense, though; after doing some commercials and touring for a while, ASIMO probably started spending all his days watching TV and eating Pocky. Finally a Honda technician walked in to find him lounging on the couch, and said "Christ, ASIMO, get a job or something."

I also think it's great that the most advanced humanoid in the world gets a job usually given to beligerent old people. I'm sure standing, lifting his hand and saying "Irassyaimase" is utilizing his multi-million-dollar programming to its best potential. But hell! I love the guy anyway. He's out makin a buck, payin his dues, and representin in the face of Sony's SDR4 robot ("He's wack!" says ASIMO. Probably.)

That's all for today.

Eatser

Easter has come and gone. It is a day we celebrate family, trees, and Christ rising from the grave. We celebrate His glorious resurrection, when on the third day Vincent Price stood and spoke these words:

"Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'awl's neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpse's shell..."

And thus He rose, and he turned the nearest rabbit into hollow milk chocolate. Then, by holy will, the rabbit mated with a chicken, and thus produced chocolate eggs, some with creamy centers. And He said unto the bunny, "My large-eared friend, take this multi-coloured basket and fill it with your chocolate dozen. Take it and deliver these delicious treats to children near and far, but ho! Make sure thee hides them well. The children must earn their foil-wrapped sweets, in the name of my father the Lord. Here, take these sparks of my distant cousin and get along with you. Watch out for the mirror man, and elixirs too."

And so the rabbit hopped away, and Jesus flew up to join his father in Heaven. And there you have it. Hope y'awl had a good one.

Happy (late) Birthday, Astroboy

"We Japanese want live in future beside robot. That is why we love Astroboy." 72-year-old Japanese citizen

Experimental Vaccumes and Exits

The text I am reading for Philosophy of Environmental Values and Ethics is extremely boring. This evening I have to read 46 pages out of it, and you can imagine I am having some trouble. When I am reading a text book that has me considerably frustrated, I always feel the urge to write the author a letter that says "Hello. I am reading your book, and I just wanted to tell you it is boring the hell out of me. Whatever your goal was in writing it has crashed and burned in my case. Please try harder next time." One of these days I will probably end up writing such a letter, but so far I haven't reached that level of frustration.

On days when the sun is out but it is still cold, I feel like Oregon is screwing me in the ass.

Try This At Home

Next time you are talking on the phone, stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself. It's like you are seeing the other person's mental image.

exprE$$o

Go here to see one of the creepiest things on the web!

(oh, and they might have a point, too)

I Went to Bed at 4

So I was at this small hotel that someone lived in, and a party was going on. I went with Andy and we didn't really like any of the people there, so we left to a room with a bunch of potted plants and ceramic knick-nacks. I said something like "Does an old lady live in this place?" Andy broke out his new portable gaming system which sucked because there was only one program; a collection of short, unsatisfying games. We played a couple and they did, indeed, suck. Tristan came in with some girl, but Andy and I didn't care to meet her. Then we began playing some fantasy-knight/adventurer-vs.-dragons-and-wizards type game, and it wasn't too bad. We played it for hours, and most of the party people went home, and the folks remaining joined us with the game. Then I was playing the game, and I died, and the game was over. Everyone was pretty bummed out. Then I was in the game, a villain, telling the supreme evil wizard who may have been David Bowie that the hero had been killed. The supreme evil wizard then told me of his new idea to stop being so dark and gloomy all the time, and he had decided to bring sunshine to the evil scary land we lived in. But another villain, a little devil-girl, pleaded to wizardbowie not to raise the sun because the sunshine would hurt her. I remember thinking she was stupid. Wizardbowie didn't care, and up came the sun. The devil-girl started screaming and ran back into the gothic castle in which we hung out. I went in and tried to comfort her, and there may have been some kind of past relationship between us, but then a bunch of old fisherman came in and said they wanted to go crabbing. I went with them down to the docks and we threw in our rings and talked about fishing and such. I remember pulling out a bunch of already cooked crab legs and we just squeezed lemon on them and ate them, shell and all. David Bowie was singing "Dancing in the Street", and the old men were laughing at him.

I think this dream was inspired by my trip to the coast with Andy and Tristan, Rumina's "Dragon Quest V" obsession, and the Mick Jagger/David Bowie video for "Dancing in the Street". By the way, that was a good radio show last night, shitdogs.

The Trouble with Horror Movies

Last night I viewed "The Ring"(the American version), and afterwards I reviewed my experience while watching it and decided that it is, indeed, scary. I admit; the girl in the closet, the NIN video, Patti Smith coming out of the TV...It all did a pretty good job at creeping my ass out. Do I think it is a good movie? Not really, no. And that's the problem I've come across.

Horror movies don't have to be good to be scary, and that just doesn't seem right to me. Many of these movies have poorly developed characters, nonsensical storylines and shitty endings, BUT they have plenty of scary makeup, loud music bursts and special effects to compensate. Movies like "The Ring" and "The Mothman Prophecies" seem to have started out with good ideas, but after reviewing the scripts and deciding they made no sense at all the producers just said "hell with it. We'll throw in some disturbing imagery, quick cuts and color effects and release it anyway."

What also makes me whine is that horror movies don't have to be scary to be good. Did I think "The Sixth Sense" was good? Yeah. Did it scare me? Hell no, except for those couple parts with quick cuts, scary makeup, and music bursts.

This scary-but-bad thing also applies to video games. I remember when I first played "Silent Hill" for the Sony Playstation. It was one of the craziest, creepiest things I'd ever experienced, but the game itself sucked.

Anyway, I have to go now. I will leave you with a couple personal exceptions: "The Blair Witch Project" and "Signs" (I love these movies, and they scared me). Also, if you viewers at home have any examples of crappy movies that still scared you, feel free to comment on them.

First things first

After reading the responses to my kanji rant that succeeded in making me feel stupid for a few minutes, I began thinking about this concept of conveying ideas with a single crazy character. I started to push this idea: what about kanji characters that could tell a whole sentence? Or paragraph? Or even a whole story? Then I had this vision of people in Japan buying big cards instead of books. Each card has a big, single kanji written on it, and after staring at it for about 10 seconds the person says "Whoa! That's a great story!" or "I can't believe the murderer was her own son!" Now THAT would be cool.

That's great, but kanji cook?

This term I am taking a course in Kanji, and after two classes I am beginning to question the intelligence of those crazy Japanese. Never before have I heard of such a confusing and ultimately unecessary alphabet. Japan already has two alphabets they crafted with their own hands, and these seem to work just fine for all their language needs, but they still hang on to this complex set of Chinese characters. This is the best analogy I can come up with to try to convey the baffling concept of kanji: Imagine Americans incorporating ancient cave drawings into everyday writing. Instead of writing the 'o' in "gasoline", you would draw an intricate picture of a figure standing next to a smoking fireplace. The picture represents the sound 'o' but also the sound 'ba" and the phrase "Bob's your uncle". So why not just use the letter 'o'? For two very good reasons: #1, because cave drawings are old, and old things are important, and #2, because writing everything in modern letters would be too simple. I'm dead fucking serious. These are the only explanations I have obtained for why Japanese people use kanji characters.

But, hey, it's not my country, and I'm just glad I was able to write this whole entry with the warm, friendly, 26 letters of my alphabet.

The Mouse Killed the Pencil

"It is removed from the hand of a real living being, so the feelings that people have when they see this kind of art are less intensive." -artist Keroman on the use of computers in modern art

Owl With Turtles for Eyes

A few minutes ago the power flickered here in the Valley Library causing all the computers to reset. In the seconds that followed, the sound of 30+ computer users whispering profanities along with one guy in the back shouting "No!" was the highlight of my day.

The Japanese "Durama" Rant

Over the past couple months I've been exposed to some prerecorded television "dramas" from Japan. I have come to the conclusion that these "dramas" are stupid.

I'm sure there are American TV shows/movies that are quite identical to these "dramas", but I never watch them, and not many other people do either. Soaps are on in the daytime and are viewed regularly by old people and middle-aged single women. What makes the "dramas" different is that, to my understanding, they are on during prime time and attract a large youthful audience, mainly because they almost always star a firm young pop musician.

I hate the dramas because they are so ideal. At any point during one of these shows (or movies...whatever the hell they are), no matter what the state of emotional anguish the attractive protagonists are in, I would still want their life rather than mine. To have a broken heart is one thing; to have a broken heart while lying on a bear-skin rug next to a glowing fireplace with a glass of 30,000-yen wine is quite another. I will now describe an ultra-simplified, fictional example of one of these dramas: A pop star's supermodel girlfriend walks in on him sleeping with another supermodel, so she cries and leaves him (the scene accompanied by the hit single off his new album!). The two estranged beautiful people live their separate lives for a while, each finding a new perfectly compatible supermodel/pop star to sleep with. But alas, they keep bumping into each other at flea markets, and awkward, sexually tense conversations ensue until broken apart by one of the new significant others. Finally, after hyper-dramatically leaving their new lovers, the two just happen to meet each other on that bridge in Venice(?) where they first met, and they look into each others' eyes for a full 7 minutes before breathily embracing one another. BUT, they decide that it can never be, because even though he says he will love her until the end of time (just like he sings in his hot new single!), the...music has swelled and the camera has begun to pull away, so the supermodel is left standing on the bridge in Venice in her brand new Pierre Cardin overcoat. THE END

Another great variation on the "drama" formula is the kind in which no one seems to acknowledge that these people are supermodels. "Hi, I am (Japanese Idol's name), and I have taken a break from singing songs and losing weight to star in my new movie. In it, I play a lonely runway worker..." Or how about this one: "In between posing for swimsuit calendars and starring in expensive porn films, I made a movie in which I play a lonely kindergarten teacher..."

Anyhoo, that's enough for today. I have to go sulk in my swimming pool full of money and prepare for my movie role as a hot-dog vendor. The drama!

A quick note about the comment link: It is common for it to run a little slow. Sometimes you will click the 'comment' button and nothing will happen. I don't know what the problem is; as I've always said, computers suck ass. But if this happens, don't panic and hit the button over and over. If you hit it once, your comment will be posted, but the page just has trouble reloading. Just close the window and open the comment page again. Your words will be there.

note: I suppose this information would be useful if people actually used the goddamn comment link, but since most of you don't, this post has probably been pretty boring. Let me make it up to you; Marine Mammal Penis!

I Am A Bad Artist

Today I pondered bad art, and decided that it cannot really exist, because labeling something as 'bad art' is still giving it credit as being art, meaning that it is succeeding on some artistic level. The same can be said about a bad artist; he is still an artist. So I guess the lesson to be learned is this: whenever you hear or see something you don't like, you can just say "this isn't art," and whoever made it will cry.

Dub Narcotic Sound System put on a good show. I shook Calvin Johnson's hand. They did some rocking and some dancing. Calvin name-checked Lebanon during a song. Richard danced with the drummer. It was all well and good.

A trial in perspective and storytelling

http://manjiri.blogspot.com/

Scum Manifesto

I watched "I Shot Andy Warhol" the other day, and I must say it accomplished the impossible in presenting a likable, interesting feminist. For a movie all about masculine women and feminine men, it was pretty enjoyable. Plus, it featured Stephen Dorff playing a transvestite with some silly lines:

"So Candy, we've been wondering; how often do you get your period?"

"Every day, Andy. I'm such a woman."

By the way, you can buy the crazy feminist's book at Amazon.

Bob Saget's Blood

Phiiliip is a strange boy, about my age. He started writing and recording songs when he was 14, and has allegedly written over 1000. He has written for a couple New York publications, including The Village Voice, and will soon have a book of (crazy!) fiction published. Last year he released his first album, "Pet Cancer", and Alexio said it sounded like "really bad Skinny Puppy." Nonetheless, it was one of the most interesting albums I'd heard in years. I'm listening to Phiiliip right now. Here is his site.