Spit for your Forefathers
"Spitting, backed by a common belief that frequent internal cleansing is good for your health, has a long history in China." That's right; the nation of China was founded on the right to spit. Emperor Ming Mu, some 800 years ago, was walking up the palace steps to inherit his political power when he turned and spit on a civilian baby. A hush fell over the crowd of onlooking thousands. Then cheers broke out as everyone remembered how important it is to cleanse your insides frequently. The mother of the wet, baffled child had tears of pride in her eyes knowing that the emperor had chosen her offspring as a target for his saliva. In modern China, it was a common site to see people walking down the street spitting on things. Parents taught their children how to maximize the force and distance of an expelled loogey, telling them "spitting holds an important place in China's history. Now spit!" But recently, with the emergence of SARS, Chinese citizens began noticing that whenever they spit, people around them would fall over dead. In more serious cases, spit units were reported to have changed into a bomb-like shape after leaving a person's mouth. So they passed a law. Now, the fine for spitting is $24. This has made Chinese citizens very selective in choosing what to spit on. Also, it's a good threat; if someone pisses you off, all you need do is make that *hoooiiik* noise and flash 24 bucks, and your opponent will back off, fearing for his life.
Strangely enough, officials are now saying that the epidemic is receding. Now that people are keeping their spit urges repressed, the virus is not spreading as rapidly. It's like the ultimate manners lesson:
"Now now, Jimmy. Don't spit."
"Aww, why not, Mrs. Thabernackle?"
"Because if you keep doing it, Jimmy, all of your friends will fall victim to a deadly virus that crushes the life out of their lungs."
"...Oh. Okay."
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