Caws Radio

The Villain

First I feel I should point out that the last entry was actually yesterday's, but I didn't post it until 12:00, so...

The following is something I wrote last week, during a very dark period that I'm not quite out of yet. I just felt like posting it:

Today wasn�t very good. It just wasn�t. I worked for a while this evening and was able to forget about my troubles for a couple of hours, but now I am back at home, alone with my painful thoughts again.
I wish it was my own pain. I am used to having my own problems, petty laments that are quarantined within my own head, unknown and inconsequential to everyone else. But this time it is the pain of someone else, one of my close friends, that burns. I can�t control it or deafen it because it isn�t mine. It is constant. It is the thought that at any given moment one of my friends is experiencing the worst kind of sadness, and it is my fault. I drove the cold, sharp sword of truth into my friend�s hopeful heart, and now I am unable to let go or remove it; I am linked to her through the blade, through the truth with which I stabbed her, and I can only plead that she accepts and endures the pain so that we can both feel release.
These days are numb. Voices are muffled, details are fuzzy, concentration is impossible. Every now and then someone will enquire about what happened and I will attempt to explain, but I am never able to properly convey or justify my feelings. It seems like no one understands, and everyone leaves me thinking �he�s a selfish monster.� All I can say with sincerity and clarity is that I�m sorry, but no one accepts that. No one cares. I am the villain now, and I must deal with it. I have no excuses to feel sorry for myself, because I am the villain. I shouldn�t expect anyone to understand, because I am the villain. Why? Because I told the truth? In the words of one of my friends, �Sometimes you shouldn�t tell the truth because it hurts people.� But I already told the truth, and now I am selfish. I am selfish because I didn�t lie to make someone happy, because I was unable to set aside my own feelings. I should have lied.--


A few days later I thought things were getting better, that the darkness was lifting and wounds were healing. Now it seems I was wrong. Anyway, next time I will try to write about music, which I have been meaning to do for some time. That's all for today.