Caws Radio

you can't fool me, Braff. your movie sucks.

Last night I saw Garden State at the local movie house. I haven't seen a lot of movies lately, and there are few out that I actually wanted to see. Garden State was one of them. I had heard it was good, enjoyable, thought provoking. So I went. And it sucked.

It's not a completely awful movie, but that may be why I disliked it so much. It tries to fool you. I tries to trick you into thinking you haven't seen a character like this before, a romance like this before, a directing style like this before, or a story like this before. But about a third of the way through the film, I snapped out of it. I blinked and looked around at all the other viewers in the audience, laughing at the jokes and reacting to the characters. I realized that I had seen it all before, and so has the pretentious director, writer and star, Zach Braff.

Okay, Zachary. I'm sure you're thrilled that people are comparing your movie to The Graduate. But You know what? Your movie isn't The Graduate, and you are not Dustin Hoffman, no matter how iciotically aloof you try to appear. That movie was great. Your movie sucks like a thirsty lamprey.

Your movie has a character so disconnected that it isn't believable after a while. I got the impression that this dude is trying his hardest to be a shy, innocent guy just to pick up chicks. But throw in something about his mom dying, and poof! you have to feel sorry for him.

Hey, anyone remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Yeah, that movie was teriffic. Remember how Jim Carrey is the shy, innocent guy who meets up with Kate Winslet, the hot young eccentric girl? Well, gee-willikers, those characters turn up in this movie, only they're played by Zachary Braff and Natalie Portman! And their romance does, too! And so does a bunch of ridiculous diologue between them in a movie relationship you can see coming from a billion miles away!

Hey, do you like The Shins? Neither do I! But Zachary sure does, because he wrote a whole scene into the movie that tries to balance on the fact that you like them, even if you think they suck! And another thing, I don't know if The Shits...er, Shins do every song on the soundtrack, but it sure sounds like they do, because every song sounds the same, and after a while they were failing miserably to appeal to my sweet wussy indie-rock side.

I don't have time to rant about this movie all night. I'll just add that there is an obligatory "drug sequence" and a clumsy "slow-motion badass walk scene" that belongs nowhere near this movie. On the bright side, there is a funny scene with a guy dressed like a night. ...Yeah.

Okay, I have to get back to my homework. So go do somethig that doesn't involve seeing that movie I've been talking about. Have a good one.