Caws Radio

Escape from America.

Since graduating from college, it has become quite clear that this country doesn't need me. I've applied for and inquired about jobs, but I guess I'm just not an employable person, allegedly due to my lack of work experience. Come to think of it, I really don't know what I was doing during all those years in college. Apparently that whole experience and the work I did does not count as work experience. And maybe I'm just a brain-dead, blindingly ignorant retard monkey child, but isn't the whole point of college to prepare people for the goddamn working world???

But no matter. America has become lame anyway. So I have been applying for an English-teaching position over in Japan land, where the food is good, the cars are small, and the religion is friendly. There are two roads to English teaching that one can take; the private language school road, or the JET road. It breaks down like this - there are a bunch of private schools in Japan, with branches all over the country, where people can go and lay down a pretty penny for advancing their knowledge of English. Youngsters are taught the basics of the language in Japanese public schools, but just the basics. Nobody comes out of high school fluent in English. So many people will go to these private schools if they plan on travelling or working in English-speaking countries, or if they just want to understand American movies. These schools employ people from the US, Canada, Britain and Australia to go over and be teachers. You don't need to know Japanese; you just need to have a college degree and not be a psychopath. Go to a school's website, complete an online application, go in for an interview, and there ya go. They'll train you in the art of saying "I took a bath. I am taking a bath. Now you try."

The other road is through the JET program. JET stands for Justification of Existential Tomfoolery. ...Actually, no it doesn't. But the deal with this program is that it's a government-run institution, sending young college graduates over to teach English in elementary and high school. Remember how I said that the young people get basic English lessons in public schools? That's where these JET teachers come in. They act as assistant English instructors in classrooms. Now, you don't need to know Japanese to work with JET, but you must study the language prior to and during your time in Japan. Oh, and another thing, JET has a 15-page online application that is only up for 2 and a half months out of the year. This window of opportunity won't open again until next September.

So I applied to NOVA, the biggest and the baddest of the private schools. They emailed me and I went up to Portland for an interview. I got all fancified in a suit and tie, and in the "poker room" at the Embassy Suites Hotel a nice woman explained the whole program to me and a few other applicants. Then we broke for lunch, and a while later I came back in for an individual interview, during which the woman and I went through a surreal practice teaching lesson: I ask this woman if she understands a certain word, and in her best fake-broken-English she says "Aah, yes, I sink so." Because, you see, that is exactly what a real Japanese student would say. And the whole lesson went like that. If there were an academy award for Best Middle-Aged Woman in a Role as a Struggling Japanese Student Learning English, it would be all hers.

The NOVA people haven't called me back, but I'm trying to set up an interview with AEON, another private school which is currently employing my friend Sebastian (who recently advised me to stay away from NOVA). Perhaps I can meet with them when I am down in LA next week. But anyway, such is my quest to leave the country. I'll let you all know how it progresses. In the meantime, here is a link to some goofy Japanese commercials for AEON starring Obi-Won Kenobi himself, Ewan McGregor. "Oh my God!"
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