happy thanksgiving.

I really don't have anything holiday-ish to say, so here is a news article I thought was funny.

Police search for Gary Glitter in Vietnam


"Do you wanna touch?? Yeah! Vietnamese girls?? ...Yeah!"
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just for fun.



This is kind of an extension of my last posting. Jarvis Cocker's appearance in the new Harry Potter movie got me thinking about how marvelously inappropriate it could have been, and so I have written up this list of Pulp lyrics that would've been great to hear during the Yule Ball sequence. Just imagine - Hermione is pouring her heart out to Ron, when suddenly, in the background, you hear Cocker sing...

"You've got such a beautiful body," from the song Countdown

"They leave their scent behind them, everywhere they go," from Dogs are Everywhere

"You know I love it when you tell me to stop/ oh it's turnin me on!" from Pencil Skirt

"You are hardcore, you make me hard," from This is Hardcore

"That goes in there, and that goes in there, and that goes in there..." also from This is Hardcore

"The master masturbates alone, in a corner of your home," from Master of the Universe

"And you'll dance and drink and screw, because there's nothing else to do," from Common People

"Bad acting, bad dialogue, no interest/ too long with no story and no sex," from Made for TV

and my favorite,
"This love scene has begun/ There's nothing left for us to do but get it on," from Seductive Barry
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Wizard Band.



The fourth Harry Potter movie has descended upon theaters, to the glee of kids, book-lovers, Harry-lovers, and nyerds everywhere. Last night I went and saw the film, and I was entertained. I like the Potter movies because I like seeing all this fantastic stuff depicted so realistically. I mean, that horny-dragon looks like a real damn horny-dragon! When Harry flies around the big castle school on a fancy broom, it looks like he's really flyin' around the big castle school on a fancy broom! And that's something I don't have the priveledge of seeing in my day-to-day life, unfortunately. I haven't kept up with the novels. I read the first two, but lost interest a quarter into the third book. But who needs to read the books when the movies are this good?? Actually, I didn't see episode three, whatever it was called. Harry Potter and the Laurel of Starbuckle, wasn't it?

Little did I know that this fourth movie installment held a little nugget, a special golden snatch for weirdos like me to notice and appreciate. ...Er, snitch, sorry. Now that Harry Potter and his little crew of rule-breakers are getting older, the story is incorporating more opportunities for the characters to interact in awkward adolescent-sexual-tension-rooted-confusion-driven situations. Which means - school dance! That's right, it's a good ol' fashioned coming-of-age mandatory dance/prom/ball sequence, complete with crying and regret and beautiful angst. These sequences are not complete, however, without an ignorable rock band jamming away in the background (both musically and visually). I normally expect something lame here, as filmmakers would rather get some fresh-faced young actors to pretend like they're musicians rather than hiring, say, Jarvis Cocker to seranade the teens. But friends, I'll be damned if Jarvis himself doesn't come jerking up to the microphone, right there, onscreen, in the Harry Potter movie.

Jarvis Cocker, Wizard

Imagine my surprise and glee to see one of my heroes return from obscurity as a singer in a Wizard Band! How absurd! How ridiculous! How awesome! He really only gets about 2 seconds of screen time, but it's enough for Pulp fans to cry out "Jesus shit! It's Jarvis!" to all the parents and little kids in the theater. While the beautiful angst is being played out onscreen, I noticed that some of the tunes being put out by the band weren't half bad, so upon returning home I promptly downloaded the songs. And guess what? The songs by the Wizard Band are all about...Wizard stuff! Magic Works is about last dances...with magic! This is the Night has a bunch of allusions to dark magical dabblings! And Do the Hippogriff, wonderfully bad, features the lyric "boogie down like a unicorn." What the hell is a Hippogriff, you ask? Well, I Googled it and came up with this picture:


The song asks if you can dance like one of those.
I further discovered that the band's name, which doesn't even get mentioned in the film, is the Weird Sisters and includes Radiohead's Johnny Greenwood and Phil Selway. Upon further research I also found that the name of Jarvis's character is Myron Wagtail, and I guess Greenwood plays Kirley MacCormack Duke, which are pretty rad names. Actually, the songs would be worth downloading solely for the bizarre sounds Greenwood evokes from his guitar.


Black Sabbath and Jimmy Page: No joke??

Of course, this idea of a Wizard Band brought to mind several questions: do they use magic to play better? Do they get strung out on Wizard drugs? Is their audience purely wizard-based, or do they have a market with the muggle demographic? And, according to the Harry Potter universe, how many rock stars who have said they were wizards actually were? Jimmy Page, Marc Bolan, Jim Morrison, Ozzy Osbourne... Maybe they all went to Hogwarts.
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'skinship'.

Japanese have the least active sex lives?

I just found this link on Click Opera, and I must say - No pues!

But I like how most of these kids see this as a problem. That's right! It's up to you guys to change this! When I get to Japan, it better be swingin!
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Louis and Clarck.

Long ago, on this very blog, I wrote this:
Something has been driving me downright looney. Do this: go to the google image search. Type in "bear attack" for the keyword. Search. Look at the very first image. What the hell is that??? The link is broken! You can't go to the site, because IT DOESN'T EXIST! The picture seems to be the remnants of a website that documented a bizarre alternate world of Lewis and Clark, which I have dubbed the Louis and Clarck World of Intrigue and Foreboding. In this alternate dimension, the two adventurers look like scarecrows and they trek across a smooth, featureless landscape, tirelessly pursued by a large, akward man in a bear-dog suit. And what's more, apparently postcards existed of the journey, but I sure wouldn't want such a strange image on my fridge.

Well kids, I today I did the "bear attack" search again, just for old times sake, and found that the picture and its website do indeed work now. Here is the classic picture I was ranting about before:


I also like this one:

Oh no! Lewis is falling! ...Or dancing at a funny angle on the side of a big purple rock. Either way, it's bad.

The origin site sheds little light on these strange "postcards." Anyway, here's the link, if you dare. Wierd Louis and Clarck picture pages.
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life on the farm.

My name is Hamegg. I own a farm at the edge of a small town, out in God's country. Well, I don't own the farm. It was my father's - or grandfather's, I don't really recall - and he died or something. So I was summoned to come and attempt to restore the farm to its alleged former glory. Whether or not it ever was glorious, I have no idea; for all I know my grandfather went nuts, pissed on all his produce, shot all his livestock, and saved a bullet for the back of his throat.

Nonetheless, it has been a good year. I came round in the Spring, dubbed the farm Nazereth, cleaned up the place, bought some seeds and went to work. At the beginning of Summer, Barley, an old farmer who lives down the road from me, brought by a young horse and gave it to me. I named him Breakin, after the 1984 breakdancing film. I hear the town has annual horse races, so I may eventually be a jockey and earn some winnings. I also have a dog named Dogimus, and I play catch with him every day. I bought the ball for 100g from Won, an eccentric character who hangs out at the pub on weekends and sells exotic seeds. I like the guy. He's a kick.

The town is small and quaint. Its highlights include a library, a pub, a store, a church, and a beach, and every couple weeks there is a town event to strengthen the commuity. I used to go to the pub and drink most every night with the local folks; Cliff the vagrant, Grey the farmhand, Gots the blacksmith, and Rick the fag. The bartender's a jolly fella, and his daughter Ann is a peach. Truth be told I used to frequent the bar just for her (and cause her bedroom's right upstairs), but she fails to interest me anymore. Actually, since the summer's ended the place has been closed in the evenings, so I haven't been back much. There was also a guy named Kai who came for the summer, owned a place on the beach. Me and the grocer's daughter would go hang out with him in the afternoons and get fuuuucked uuuuuup.

The church is run by the young pastor Carter, who doesn't hold any kind of service on Sunday. "I used to," he once told me, "but now that I've found a new kind of faith I no longer see the need." He since hasn't revealed anything more about his 'new kind of faith', and I'm starting to fear for the town's children.


Male bonding through good ol' illegal cockfighting. Then it's time for some hoochie coochie.

The girls in town are all wholesome and healthy, young and pretty, ripe and ready. There's the librarian, to whom I used to bring fruits. Then there's the nurse, who blushes when I talk to her and once stopped me on the street to give me something she cooked. Kooky bitch. There's also a girl named Popuri who lives on the chicken farm. She's real fine, and she smells nice; I stop by her place sometimes and she...shows me her flowers. But my woman of gold is the grocer's daughter Karen. We've been seeing each other regularly since the beginning of summer, and things are going well. She doesn't seem aware of my interactions with the other girls in town, which I suppose is for the better. Last week she and I went up to the mountain to look at the moon, and to make a long story short, I got home the next morning.

It's Fall now, and last week old man Buck asked me if I'd like to work part-time for him at his winery. I said sure, and even brought along Cliff to lend a hand. I figured he could use the money. I don't need the income so much; my farm's produce brings in the dough, and on top of that I collect nature's bounty from the nearby mountain and sell it for top dollar. I even managed to hatch some chickens, and the goddamn things lay eggs every day, which go straight to the shipping box and turn into cold hard cash. Pretty soon I'll be able to buy this town.
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bonus fun videos.

Today I finally hooked up the wireless connection with my computer in Lebanon, so to celebrate I have some bonus fun videos for you.

The first video is apparently the opening sequence for the Japanese TV show Gachapin Challenge Series, which...I won't even try to explain. This clip is succeeds in being incredibly bizarre even before the incredibly bizarre commercial at the end.




The second video is one of the greatest masterpieces in the history of animated short films. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Space War by Christy Karacas.

commercial art, starring Nicholas Cage.

I still haven't connected my computer in Lebanon, so until I have the time and resources to put up a decent posting I give you the phenomenal poster for the movie Lord of War. Enjoy.


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